Hitting the Reset Button
I’m making a departure today from my general blog theme, just for today, because the past few weeks have brought about some big changes in my life and it feels like I’m being untrue to myself to pretend that all is well. I don’t feel like getting organized for a dinner party or shopping for things I’ll use in the future for some kind of gathering…at least not right now and I’ll tell you why.
Like almost everyone else in the world, my family and I are sheltering in place – I feel lucky that we can be together and so far so good on that front. Unfortunately, when all of this COVID19 – shelter in place stuff started, I, like many others, lost my job. I doubt my job will be there in the same form when all of this is over. Maybe it will, but somehow, I think with the changes we all need to make going forward, my previous job won’t look the same. I do have to admit, I was in shock at first, but I understand the why’s as well, so I feel like I’m equipped to push through it.
What also happened, which I wasn’t ready for was the passing of my mom last week. Over the last two years, she had been in a slow decline, but we were grateful that she was able to keep living in her home of 30 years, along with full time care. Mom lived to be 94 years old and was pure light in every way. She wasn’t particularly religious, but she lived by the golden rule and never judged or said an unkind word that I can ever remember. My mom was a huge part of my life and we all loved her so much. I miss her terribly. The good news is that she passed away peacefully, in her own home with family nearby.
I’m certainly not the first person to lose a job or a parent, but I do have to say, it’s a lot to take in at the same time. I feel like I’m ok, but at the same time, I feel a little numb – like I’m going through the motions of life, as if watching from afar. Something someone said to me when I lost my job was; “well then, it’s time to hit the reset button”. At this point in my life, that statement rings true. I’d been needing to hit the reset button for a long time, but it’s always so easy to just keep playing along, letting life come to me, sort of making decisions along the way, but also easily being led. When everything stays the same, like your job or relationships…maybe you don’t want to take risks or jump off any cliffs. Maybe the job is just good enough - even though you know it’s not. You just keep going on like people in your life will be there forever, even though you know they won’t. As usual, I need to hit rock bottom in order to make a change…so I think I’m ready…
I’m hitting the reset button, here and now. Not even sure what that means exactly, but will be using this time to figure it out. And, while I continue to clean and purge our house (wishing I knew how to get rid of all of this stuff now that the rules of disposal are different) I’ll be doing much the same with myself. I know I’m a better person for having my mom as my mom and I’m pretty sure I’m a better person for having worked with some of the people I worked with before in my work. It’s just time to move on. For now, I’ll get out into my garden…which has some new seedlings that I’m so excited about – just hope I can keep them growing strong!